Why I haven't fully relaxed in three weeks

Singing along to: The Zombies, This Will Be Our Year

I have finally figured out why I have not had much luck in my job search so far: it's because I have been with the same guy for five and a half years.

You see, the job search world is exactly like the dating world. And most of what I know about the dating world is conjecture and second-hand evidence.

The way I see it, going on a job interview is like meeting an attractive guy (or girl, pick your favorite) somewhere, and chatting for twenty or thirty minutes, and deciding that you can totally see the two of you getting along great for the next couple years at least, and you're pretty sure they can see it too, I mean, you're totally their type. And hey, you never know where things could end up! You could part on good terms after a couple years, both of you grateful for the experience, or you could stay together for the rest of your lives and live happily ever after.

And then you and the attractive person exchange numbers and he promises he'll call soon, and then you go home and find yourself unable to exhale fully and you have a small aneurysm every time the phone rings or you see you have a missed call because oh crap, oh crap, what if it's him? And you go back and forth on whether to pick up the phone when he finally does call because what if he doesn't like you, can you choke back your disappointment long enough to get through that phone call with dignity? You're not sure. Maybe you should let it go to voice mail for everyone's sake.

At some point it also occurs to you that he might email you instead, so you go from checking your email ten times a day (which is totally normal and not at all obsessive, even if you don't get that much email) to checking your email whenever you're in the vicinity of wireless internet or you get a free second at work or it's been more that five minutes since you last checked.

But! He doesn't call (or email). It occurs to you that maybe this is a test. Maybe you need to call, and you ask everyone's advice on this, because you want to show you're interested, but you don't want to look desperate (even though you are desperate, you haven't gone on a proper date in, well, ever), he's probably just busy and will totally call tomorrow, whatever. Back and forth you go, and your friends' heads are swiveling back and forth like they're spectators at the Emotional Tennis World Championships.

Finally, you email. He admits he's been busy but will totally call soon. Lather, rinse, repeat from paragraph three.

You start to wonder why this whole process can't be less "He's Just Not That Into You" and more "elementary school." You know, back in the days when all you had to do was tell your best friend about your crush, swear her to secrecy with the full knowledge (and hope) that she'd tell, and wait for your crush's reply to work its way back through the grapevine, a process which took about as long as recess. No muss, no fuss.

And that is basically where I am right now, if you substitute "potential employer" for "attractive person." I cannot handle the stress of suspense and rejection and hope and despair in the early stages of dating. Or job searching. I just want to commit and settle down, like a grown up!